The Midnight News 9.01.03
Posted By Hyatte on 09.01.03
What? Thought I Quit?, RAW Rules, Dino Is Laughing, A Local Rat, The New Diva, I'm Too Old For This Show, Hollywood Gossip, Quotes, Powell, Scherer, and PWI
Three weeks later…
Hi, I skimmed your worthless article to find the vowel craze. How smart can your audience possibly be to not think they could just put it in a word document and remove all the non-vowels one at a time. Pardon bringing new ideas into your stale articles.
Mikey_Franchise
Got a point there, sparky? Was this even a Flame?
Your bashing of Dave Schrerer was pretty immature and pointless. Net spoilers are online all of the time, if you don't like them, don't read them. As a result of your idiocy I'll no longer be frequenting your site.
B_Metal88
Yes, but usually we get FAIR WARNING… usually we are told that the spoiler is forthcoming. Diamond Dave Hairpiece just came out of nowhere and said, “Nash is getting the haircut”. Because, after all, NO ONE gives a fuck about Kevin Nash. Right. Nash sucks. The net hates nash, so the WORLD FUCKING HATES NASH, RIGHT? Wwell I don’t. I don’t want to stick him either… I just like him that’s ritght. I likwe him. DEAL WITH IT, FAT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh no… we lost B_Metal88. DAMN me and my ball busting ways… Why can’t I just leave poor Dave ALONE??? Well, hell with it
Anyway… guess who ELSE has at least one honest-to-goodness fan:
Keith does have pure fans, as he is like or not, (you obviously don't) a decent writer. Your both good writers, but i wonder if perhaps he beat you up and took your lunch money in the 3rd grade because you obviously hate him for no good reason; so you come off like a complete ass. It's not like you have pictures of yourself online, so why bother mocking Keith's appearance, he never said he was Brad Pitt. Post a pic or two of yourself, then you can run down his appearance with your frightening attention to detail.
Dan
Have you seen him? If not, Scroll down this page a bit and taker a gander. He wasn’t beating anyone up in the 3rd grade. He isn’t beating anyone up now, either.
I don’t hate him at all.
Frightening attention to detail? Not sure how a talent like that can be considered “frightening”, but thanks for the compliment!
Hyatte, In response to you printing my letter.no this is not a "Flame". You told me that I should grow up. You're probably right. The advice was probably good and on the mark. It's a dead issue anyway, as we just found out last weekend that my wife is pregnant, and that put a lot of things into perspective for me as to my behavior. It is time to grow up and put away childish things. No hard feelings there.
But, let me also say this. YOU put out a request for participation in your new column. YOU asked for reader feedback. I realize that you feel like you have to maintain the "Hyatte" persona, but for Christ's sake.you're way out of line. I wonder how long you think you can keep up reader participation if you perpetually "rip us all new ones". This love/hate relationship you've got going on with your readership borders on the
disturbing.
I mean, I've got a lot more serious problems that I could have (and probably should have) written about. But, I thought it would be fun to throw out this little thing, which is little more than a subplot in my life. I even expected you to goof on it some. Guess I caught you on a bad day.Jesus!
Feel free to print this in one of your flame sections and vent your spleen. Go ahead and unload all your fury. Flame away. I won't be reading it anyway and I won't write again. Sorry to have "bothered" you.
Jim
He, of course, is referring to some advice I gave him. It’s the last question in this column.
Yeah, I’m going to vent all my rage at this guy. He really, REALLY pissed me off… ooo… OOO WHY I OUGHTA!!! If I REALLY wanted to unleash my… err… “fury”, I’d tell everyone who you REALLY are and which big time rasslin’ site you write for.
Again I say, you should grow up. You asked me for input, I gave it. I was honest with my reaction. Didn’t like my tone… too bad. It may help to understand that I pay very little attention to the “who” and concentrate on the “what”. So don’t take it too personally. Baby.
None of you clowns know me well enough to properly assume what sort of advice I’ll give on ANY subject matter. If you need advice on something, ask me and I shall give. I may not tell you what you want to hear, but I will tell you what you need to hear. I promise.
Hi kittens. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Thought I returned to exile, didn’t you? Kind of hoped I did, didn’t you? Life around this web land is sort of more peaceful without me, isn’t it? Yeah? WELL TOO BAD, SISTER!!!! TOO DAMN BAD!!!
I moved two weeks ago, so that explains that.
But last week, I was planning on doing a Midnight News, but there was SummerSlam to consider. I thought about how I should approach recapping such a SACRED event. I mean, this is SUMMERSLAM… web guys and dirt sheet reporters wear TUXEDOS while watching it. It is a MAJOR EVENT in our lives. One that only happens ONCE A YEAR!! It should be HONORED, REGALED, and TREATED WITH AWE AND DIGNITY!!! When one recaps Summerslam, one must treat it like GOD HIMSELF HAS ARRIVED. How must I, noted and important member of the IWC, HANDLE SUCH A BLESSED EVENT WHERE DREAMS ARE BUILT FROM???
So I decided to get as drunk as I could and do the news in a full black-out.
Yeah, well mission accomplished too well. I got drunk, badly drunk, puked my balls out on the neighbors back yard, (at the bottom of their children’s slide… heh… HA… punk bastards), and decided that I didn’t want to do a fucking column and instead was more interested in sleeping… so that’s what I did.
Oh relax… I’ll go a little longer than usual between vacations for a while… I’ll do steady columns for the next couple of months and everyone’ll win in the end. So long as I have CONTENT to “report” on… so send me stuff you think the whole audience will find interesting.
So, I know I’m late tonight, so late that it is now daytime by the time this gets posted… but it’s VH1’s fault… they showed a marathon of those nifty “Remembering the 70’s” shows and… well… it’s friggin funny watching modern day c-list celebrities make wry, ironic observations about John Travolta, Pet Rocks, and The Fonz. (who knew someone from the TV show “Ed” could be so droll?)
Anyway, let’s get going.
BUT, PLUGS
Four.
Four columns now.
That’s right. I now have successfully started four completely unique columns and SCORED WITH ALL OF THEM!!!
Most of you hicks do ONE column for YEARS AND YEARS and never change. Some of you no-talent imbeciles are BARELY GETTING BY with that one single column that you’ve been beating into the ground for years and years without trying to evolve or change things around even ONCE. Me, I did the Mop-Up for a while, then did And Another Thing for a while and now jumped to the Midnight News and finally, Hyatte’s Guide to Life over at Flea’s site. Four COMPLETELY UNIQUE COLUMNS!!! ALL OF THEM GOOD!!!!!
Yet I suck?
Yet I’m no good?
Yet I’m washed up?
Heh… HA… you jealous bitches, you should COUNT YOUR LUCKY STARS I’M STILL AROUND!!! YOU ARE TOO LUCKY TO NOT BE PAYING FOR ME!!!!
I think my NEW goal is to create TEN utterly unique columns, then finally wash my hands of this whole net nonsense and be done with you all. At this rate, it’ll take me about 15 years.
Every week I offer just a little bit more evidence of just how damn good I really am. I tell ya, I amaze myself sometimes.
Anyway, in the latest GTL column found right here, I offer more advice on such topics as: long distance relationships (two separate questions on the topic… for some reason it’s on my mind… wonder why), changing one’s life, what should an indy wrestler do with his partner, why is she acting weird, should you risk your job to score with a girl in a Foster home, and why is she ignoring you. Solid answers that you can bet your life on! I’m good like that.
Oh, and just for the hell of it, I also tossed in a free short story called Muffin The Demon Dog that I wrote off the top of my head two days ago. It’s good, too. Because I’m good. Trust me, people. You’ll never be so close to greatness as you are reading me.
It all there in yet another dose of excellence that I seem to toss out by the crapload.
There I just plugged Flea’s site four times…. now five. That should make him happy. Now he can get back to what he does best… talking to my wo… oh let’s not get into this.
WHEN YOU WALK… THROUGH A STORM… KEEP YOUR HEEEEAD UP HIII OH LAAAADY!!! PRETTY LAAAAADY!!!
You have until 7 pm tonight to check out Jerry Lewis’s annual MDS Telethon. I don’t care if you contribute or not… Jerry’s been doing this for 30 years and with the amount of money he’s raised they not only could have cured the thing but they could have afford to send all the people with MS to Mars and be DONE with the damn disease.
No, check the show out just to see how horrible Jerry looks. The guy’s head is now the size and shape of a watermelon. He is nothing but tics and stammers, and he constantly looks as if he’s about to burst out into tears. Jerry Lewis is now, officially, in need of a telethon himself.
No, really… it is uncomfortable watching him. He is doing his own cause damage by being on it. It’s time for the old buzzard to hand the torch to a new host… and a new producer who just may be able to book some… I don’t know… CONTEMPORARY GUESTS???
I mean, shit… I’m old enough to be (most of you, at least) your Da… err… youthful, WAY HIP AND COOL Uncle and even I never heard of that old geezer Norm Crosby.
Now, if I was a NORMAL IWC writer, I would use this… oh God help me… RANT… to segue into a… oh God help me (2) HILARIOUS comedic riff on what would happen if Vince McMahon booked and hosted the telethon… of course, I am NOT a normal IWC writer… I am fucking Hyatte (no one else will, so I might as well ;)
THE BOYS OF SUMMER
And HOW does a rasslin’ fan know when summer is OFFICIALLY over?
Why, when IWC writers forecast THE CANCELLATION OF RAW because the upcoming season Monday Night Football will RAVAGE the show of ALL of its fans!
I’ve been on the net for 6 years now… and not a fucking YEAR HAS GONE BY when SOMEONE (and I have been guilty of this sin on a COUPLE of these occasions) didn’t predict that Raw would lose EVERYONE to football!
Oh shut up… Raw has consistently remained HIGH atop the cable ratings… yes, even during THESE DAYS WHEN THE MCMAHONS ARE DESTROYING THE SHOW WITH THEIR SILLINESS!! Sure, the ratings have gone down… but jesus crap… when the Yankees cream the Red Sox 2-0 instead of 18 –0, it’s STILL A FRICKIN CHECK IN THE WIN COLUMN!!
I know, I know… because we are… (*coughbullshit*) NET REPORTERS, we HAVE to express outrage over how bad the WWE is and moan and groan over… well, whatever the fuck is so bad about the show these days (Hurricane/Rosie/and the whole super-hero skit really should die a painful death… and take Stephanie along with them), and I ALSO realize that no one thinks they will be taken seriously if they DON’T piss on SOMETHING … but what a goddam UNIFIED STAND OF DOUBAGGERY that has taken place last week against how bad Raw was, how bad Raw is, and how bad Raw is going to be if they keep up this pace. Oh my God… why are these clowns even watching it?
Oh, right… because they are wrestling REPORTERS… right… my bad.
Can I say “ni**a please” just once without getting anyone mad? Please? Pretty please??? No? Oh well
I like Raw more than I like Smackdown… in fact, I live quite a happy life WITHOUT watching frickin Smackdown. I like Raw… Raw has it’s problems, including WAAAAY too long bits and the major problem with the McMahons (that being, they can’t act worth a shit and barely seem literate enough to read cue cards, but that’s another tale for another time)but there is actually a lot TO LIKE about Raw these days… like these:
-Jericho. He breaks a rule and gets bitched at by a ref… he just yells, “BUT I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD” and breaks more rules. That kicks ass
-Kane. You wanted a detailed frickin’ character development on someone with some talent…. There you go. Plus, you can laugh at him because he really does look like he has a touch of mongoloidism… the Rock was right all these years he really is a “Big, Red Retard”.
-Chicks. Easily, the chick division has NEVER been stronger in the history of the business, and the bonus is that most of these gals are hot with huge bazongos. (I say this because it’s TRUE… not just because I think I can one day get into Stratus’s pants if I play my cards right)
-Nash. He’s been laying down cleanly all over the place. His hair match with Jericho featured some of the best work he’s done since ’95, and no one is reporting ANY LOCKER ROOM ANTICS on his part. He’s doing his job quietly, people… fuck you.
-Flair. Two weeks ago, Ric Flair pulled Steve Austin out of the ring during the Orton/Goldberg match, hit Goldberg, then, instead of keeping an eye out on Austin, ignored everyone and started strutting in the middle of the ring with a big smile on his face before Austin hit the ring and nailed him. Then last week he knocked maven around, strutted for the front row fans, took a HBK Superkick, and spent the rest of the match (a good 5 minutes) on the ringside floor holding his nose which allowed Ross the chance to goof on his big snout. Sure, Flair now looks like your grandpaw, but he is having the time of his life and it shows.
-HBK. He shouldn’t even be wrestling, but there he is. Doing what is right, which is working for the storyline instead of for himself.
-Bischoff. Another one who is kicking ass in his character. Is he a McMahon suck-up? Is he a brown noser? Is he a seedy slimeball? Yes, yes, and YES
-Shane. Here’s the good news. He won’t be around too much longer. UNLIKE Stephanie, Shane likes to take looooong breaks between TV appearances.
-Austin. Probably the best natural performer there is. He can’t work anymore, but that doesn’t stop him from entertaining people
-Bret Hart. Because if he does come back, he ain’t going to Smackdown. He’ll go to the place where all his old feuds are.
There…. plenty of reasons why Raw isn’t that bad. Kiss my white, shapely ASS, dickfaces!!
THE RAT QUEEN OF RHODE ISLAND
Hey HEY… here’s some gossipy news that I promise NO ONE ELSE HAS.
It looks Jerry “The King” Lawler has FINALLY gotten over the loss of his young wife Stacey, by, naturally, getting frisky with an even YOUNGER model.
(and by “model” I don’t mean model, I mean… well, like a car or something)
I don’t have all the facts, but I caught word that Lawler is about to move his new babe to Memphis. He’s been with her for a while and my friends say she has pictures of them on vacation and such. Her name is probably Kelly. She is 20 years old.
20 years old.
Now here’s what I can tell you about her. Never met or seen the gal, but I know Rhode Island.
She’s from North Providence… which means she is Italian.
It also means she probably has frizzy, poofed up Jersey girl mall hair which is more than likely fried harder than a pork rind.
It also means she is dumber than a box of tampons
It also means that she has no less than 4 brothers
It also means that at some point, all of her brothers will take Lawler aside (one at a time) and promise to “put him in the grave” if he ever fucks with their sister.
It means that her brothers will be wearing tank tops to show off their hairy muscles when they make said promise.
It also means that each of her brothers will brag to Lawler about how they can “beat the shit” out of every WWE wrestler currently on both rosters. “Goldberg? He ain’t shit.”
It means, of course, that they will strongly hint at their “connections”…
It means that each of her brothers will ask Lawler to “hook me up, yo” (did I mention that these are white paisans?) with either/or tickets, dope, coke, Stacey Keibler and/or ‘roids immediately after they threaten him with violence, brag about how tough they are, and boast about their non-existent “connections”.
It also means that they will explain to Lawler about how “nuttin’ in Memphis can compare with the food on Federal Hill.
Finally, this means that when they VISIT Lawler and their sister in Memphis, they will no doubt goof on “these crahppy Memphis ahccens”… and get in no less than 4 bahhr fights.
That vag must suck shlongs like a lollipop, ‘cause ol’ Lawler is going to put up with a LOT of nonsense for it.
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB (sort of)
In keeping with policy (set & enforced by me and there ain’t nothing anyone of you can do about it, beeoytch), the next selection comes next week… see, I don’t care if I go 10 weeks between column, it’s every other Midnight News, not every other week! IT’S MY FRIGGIN’ SHOW HERE!!! NOT YOURS!!!! DON’T LIKE IT?? LEAVE!!! GO AWAY!!! I DON’T NEED YOU! I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU FUCKS!!!!!
Yeah!
Now imagine the rage if anyone actually COMPLAINED about the pacing of this section.
Wow… I’m spent.
Anyway, as a follow up to that James Bond selection last week column, where I openly wondered if the books maintained a bit of continuity, reader Tim set me straight and dropped a few other little notes on the series:
Although the books do take place in a particular order, some connections
are more important than others.
In particular, it is important to read the following books consecutively :
From Russia With Love followed by Doctor No, On Her Majesty's Secret Service followed by You Only Live Twice followed by The Man With the Golden Gun
I'll also say that, without necessarily conceding that the endings are the same, the two movies (in their entirety) which are closest to the Fleming Bond are Doctor No and On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
So, in case I did my job and inspired you to check out the re-issued Bond series, you’ll know where to start.
DIVA DOWN
One of 1bob’s writers got a big interview with new WWE Diva Jamie Koeppe. I always wondered how this guy scored so many interviews, then I read it and saw why. He excels at making these people look as good as possible… he just seems to be a little TOO obvious about it. Here, see for yourself:
How is your jaw after blowing Vince, Shane, and Hunter for the gig?
"I am exhausted, but I am doing really well."
Why are you giving up your total identity to the WWE? We know it’s because you have no career, really and this is a good way to make cake, but give us an answer that makes you look more famous than you really are.
"Several fans from my Yahoo club encouraged me to do so. It took me a little while to decide to do so and I then entered, and once I entered, it gave me a little effort to try and win it."
Now try to be humble
"I didn't think I would win. I saw my competitors, and I thought that they just had a little more experience then I did. My competition was Diane who was in my region, and I thought she would take the whole thing."
Let’s pretend for a second that the WWE gives a shit about how you think your character should be handled and comment on what you think you’ll be doing with them
"I think that we would have to sit down, and talk about what would happen. I am open to ideas and seeing what is going to happen as I am not too sure, but I am up for any challenge."
Tell me about your entertainment background as a TV personality, actress, and fitness model?
How long before you pull a “Chyna?”
"I have no idea. It is hard to say, because just being pretty doesn't mean anything. I have talent, but I need to be seen. People might assume she is good looking or has an attractive body, but I happen to be very marketable and do have talent. I am thankful for the opportunity to be seen, but I am hoping something will come out of it. My thing is sports and entertainment."
You’re a hot babe, so lie to the fan boys about how you’ve always loved wrestling so you won’t come across as someone using it as a stepping stone
"I have been watching it for years. We used to get together as a group and watch it, and yeah I have been watching it for years even with my family. I have always watched it. People say I am not a fan, and there are a lot of people saying a lot of things, and there are a lot of haters. There is nothing I can really do. People are going to do judge you in all ways no matter what. People always have an opinion."
Now kiss Trish Stratus’s ass a bit
"I think it's great. She has come a long way. I think she is doing an awesome job."
Now before we wrap up, show the company how media savvy you are by stringing together as many positive cliches as possible in one bunch
"I am open to anyone who has any suggestions. I am pretty much open to seeing what happens and this is entertainment. I love live entertainment, but will basically see what happens. I think the possibilities are endless. There are a lot of opportunities, and the world is my oyster."
There you go. With a little coaching, the girl will goose-step with the WWE’s policies as smoothly as anyone else. The girl’s got a FUTURE!
She also has a website… it’s her name followed by a .com. Go nuts.
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS INTERNET
Now I swear, I really tried to do a column last week. I was really drunk, really cranky, and really, REALLY trying my best to do this.
So when someone interrupted me, I went off on him, and he fought back. The chat was so amusing I made it into a segment for last week, then I did all that puking on the bottom of the neighbor’s slide and went to sleep… but I saved the segment and decided to show you what you would have been in for had I actually gotten through the column last week. So here is the piece, in it’s entirety:
TRYING TO DO A COLUMN DAMMITALL
While I was typing this bitch:
BiGTom3435 (11:41:43 PM): what's up with 411's site? too much traffic ?
Hyatte1com (11:42:23 PM): why would I know??? I'm an island my own man... leave me nbe, creepo
BiGTom3435 (11:43:26 PM): OK nutsack slut, just thought I might try and find out from someone who might know since you write a column for them and all.
BiGTom3435 (11:43:45 PM): sorry I bothered the great janitor Hyatte.
Hyatte1com (11:45:18 PM): oh that hurt... why don';t you make like a tree and fuck my mommy... go play your stupid D&D; Nothinbg and them some... pistol piss dregham on toast!
BiGTom3435 (11:46:04 PM): hmm
BiGTom3435 (11:46:15 PM): I don't know what D&D; is for one
Hyatte1com (11:46:18 PM): and quit with the faggotty green italics... are you on some sort of geek druhg that the rest of usd acan't get???
BiGTom3435 (11:46:35 PM): and I think I will just go back to writing my paper because I am in COLLEGE yes college, a higher learning establishment assfuck mcgillicuddy.
Hyatte1com (11:46:49 PM): Luscoius jaclkson ate your underwear,... beezele BUB
BiGTom3435 (11:47:00 PM): I don't know are you on some sort of typ I can't spell worth a shit drug that I can't get?
BiGTom3435 (11:47:16 PM): you type like shit douche nozzle.
Hyatte1com (11:47:23 PM): College? yes, I have one of those things... gets you nowhere...
BiGTom3435 (11:47:39 PM): maybe you
BiGTom3435 (11:48:32 PM): Tell me what it's like to be a janitor who makes $10,000 a year.
Hyatte1com (11:48:36 PM): another brillant comeback!! I can't compete... you win, you defeated the great Hyatte... now go spoon your young spic lover
BiGTom3435 (11:48:42 PM): I am always interested in the lower more pathetic people.
BiGTom3435 (11:49:01 PM): your comebacks suck bro.
BiGTom3435 (11:49:29 PM): maybe if you went to college you would have a wider array of vocabulary words to use against me.
Hyatte1com (11:49:30 PM): like yours is any better... you bugged me, palsy... niot the othern weay round
BiGTom3435 (11:49:55 PM): niot the other weay round...yup
BiGTom3435 (11:50:00 PM): says it all
BiGTom3435 (11:50:01 PM): I just asked a simple question.
BiGTom3435 (11:50:14 PM): All I wanted was a simple yes or no, no big deal.
BiGTom3435 (11:50:22 PM): But you had to make me verbally rape you.
Hyatte1com (11:50:24 PM): and I gacve you a simple answer... you suck and I don't.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA
When their backs are against the wall, they go for the old Janitor riff…..
I usually bold this stuff, but you don’t deserve bold.. you deserve NOTHING…
Excpept for Andrew Brooke, who issues a $50 gift certificate to me from Amazon.com this week. That’s right. For no reason other than because I EARNED it with my hardc work, Andy sent me a 50 pig order for whatewver I wanted. THAT’S THE SORT OF DEVOTION I NEED!!!!!! WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOU CHEAP ASS HORNdogs????
For nthe record… thjis xcoluimn… I forget.
* * *
And that’s what happens when I get into an online pissing contest drunk…
Here’s the funny part, this kid, you know, the future CEO who likes to spend his time “verbally raping janitors”, he then bothered me about 16 times with all of his different AIM screen names, including one that is decidedly FEMALE.
I don’t know, it seems to me that the true success stories in this country really don’t have the TIME to create and use 16 screen names on AIM…
But what do I know… I’ve both seen and had more online fights (both on AIM and on message boards) to know that pretty much 95% of ALL IWC readers are white collar, highest tax-bracket possible, upper crust millionaires. Everyone’s better than everyone else.
Hey, all I know is that whether I die rich or whether I die poor, I’ll still be WAAAAAY more talented than ANY OF YOU. Well, most of you, anyway (just in case J.D. Salinger and Salmon Rushdie are reading)
But even drunk, did this guy REALLY “verbally rape me”? Come on now… methinks someone OVERestimated his wit… someone other than ME for a change.
By the way, that dude Andrew Brooke REALLY DID send me an Amazon gift certificate… and I don’t even have a wish list on the site and beg people to send me stuff like some OTHER losers. Now that is COOL.
And just to show you how varied my tastes are, I bought 4 books with the certificate: something from Bukowski (reader recommendation), Rick Reilly’s Best of SI columns (including stuff not found online), Cold Mountain, and Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions (because Vonnegut is God, as someone told me a few years ago and I didn’t listen until recently - said someone is a friend whom I miss very much). There isn’t a single Star Trek OR cartoon DVD in the list.
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS INTERNET (2)
I’m serious… I was drunk and DAMNED pissy last week… here’s ANOTHER chat I slurred my ass through
NYGiants 683 (12:01:27 AM): terrible PPV
Hyatte1com (12:04:13 AM): when I want your opinion, I'll gibe it to you
NYGiants 683 (12:04:33 AM): you'll give me my opinion?
Hyatte1com (12:04:47 AM): yes, the PPV was awesome
Hyatte1com (12:05:09 AM): stop listening to Scherer and those feebs.. they know less then nothing
NYGiants 683 (12:05:13 AM): I'm not man
NYGiants 683 (12:05:19 AM): I watched it with my friends
Hyatte1com (12:05:28 AM): your friends are butt pirates
NYGiants 683 (12:05:30 AM): i'll say this: brock/angle was amazing, elimination chamber was kickass besides for the ending
NYGiants 683 (12:06:03 AM): I was very soured by the way they ended it
Hyatte1com (12:06:45 AM): who cares???????????
Hyatte1com (12:06:52 AM): I have a column to rite
NYGiants 683 (12:07:01 AM): i'll be reading man, keep up the good work
Hyatte1com (12:07:04 AM): leave me alone, spoon lover
Now I feel like a creep… I’m sorry, bro’… I was way too harsh.
But then again… people… I am the LAST person who likes to bullshit about rasslin’ online… go to a message board and air out your problems there.
That’ll do it with the AIM chats for the rest of the column.
WHERE’S MARTHA QUINN TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL??
I won’t bore you with anything long, boring, and unnecessary; just a few quick observations about the MTV VMA’s
-For the second year in a row, it was filmed instead of taped… which really is horrible, but in the long run it’s probably there best move as videotaped stuff starts to disintegrate after a few years and God knows MTV LOVES to fill in blocks of time with endless, self-congratulatory “best of” retrospective shows, usually hosted by John Norris
-The current MTV spin is to announce that the awards are decided by a gathering of critics, record execs, and artists… BULLSHIT… MTV decides who gets what and base their decisions on who will be of most use to them over the next couple of years… hence, Justin Timberlake and Missy Elliot and 50 Cent (making Eminem happy) got the most nods. Which is all well and good OTHER than the fact that bullshit crap like Timberlake’s bubble gum shit gets props while Johnny Cash, who simply put the weight of his ENTIRE FUCKING CAREER INTO THAT SONG AND VIDEO has to lose to a boy who more than likely got to where he is by sucking some serious cock.
-Anyone else get the feeling Metallica’s performance was rushed?
-That is not a rhetorical OR unanswerable question, by the way
-I’ve kissed my Mom with more passion than Madonna kissed Britney with
-and I know that a WHOLE LOT of people would have preferred to see Madonna kiss Xtina… but MTV, because their audience is mostly young girls and homos, simply HAD to cut to Justin’s reaction… as if Timberlake isn’t media savvy enough to know exactly what sort of expression to put on. What, did anyone REALLY think he would start to freak out or soemthing? The dude has boned Alyssa Milano, Cameron Diaz, Britney herself, and about a million OTHER chicks… including Aguilera and probably Madonna herself… you really think a catty little baby smooch is going to affect him?
I would muster up more rage for this…. God help me (3)… rant… but the truth is, I haven’t been MTV’s target demo audience for quite some time… so my opinion means diddly shit.
HOT ASS GOSSIP
I like to keep all my related subjects in one, next bundle, thank you very much… soooo
Not sure if these are true or not… but I’m too tired to make them blind items…
The following rumors are rumors… but the people who told me them work in Hollywood for a Hollywood studio, so I put a wee bit of weight into these items.
-Britney Spears, because she has to wear really tight outfits on tour and has trouble washing them enough between shows has to wear them many times before cleaning them. This means she is known to get some nasty yeast infections.
-That’s right, on tour Britney Spears has a chooch that smells like ripe cheese. Cool, huh?
-So, one night, Suge Knight rolled into a hotel with about 20 of his posse… most of whom his size, all in Escalades. He demanded to know where DMX was staying.
The front desk refused to divulge such info so Suge sent his boyeeez to each for to hunt down DMX’s nappy ass. The didn’t find him. The cops came and escorted the crew out of the building.
DMX eventually came back to the hotel, found out what happened… checked out and tore ass out of there within 20 minutes.
(sidebar, after I heard this story I quickly told it to a gang of “ethnic youths” I saw on the street as I walked my pet poodle “FiFi” to gauge their reaction. They reacted by shooting FiFi and raping me with their Air Nikes. Then they made me get a girlfriend so they could rape her in front of me then made me dump her. The lesson here is never insinuate that DMX is a punk-bitch to a gang of ethnic youths)
-Ben Affleck really does go both ways. It’s not even a question in Tinseltown - merely a fact of life.
-Tobey Maquire is one of the biggest divas in Hollywood these days.
-Ashton Kutcher thinks he is a big enough star to get “My Boss’s Daughter” released with a huge weekend. Personally, I just think this is his way of “Punk’ding” the entire country.
-The makers or “Enterprise” COULD have gone to a major network (CBS, specifically) but decided to go with UPN’s offer because since UPN is one of the lamest networks, they would have more power. Probably a smart move as CBS would have booted the show by now.
-Easiest celebrity lays of the moment: Tara Reid, Xtina Aguilera, Rosario Dawson, and Shannon Dougherty
-Remember the movie “Fear” (Marky Mark stalking Reese Witherspoon and beating up William Peterson ((who RULES THE WORLD, GODDAMIT!!!)))? Remember how Alyssa Milano was in it and in one seen she is fucking a scuzzy biker dude who is smoking some crack at the same time? Well, let’s put it this way… Miss Milano didn’t have to reach deep into her method acting skills to play that girl. She does like her bad boys REALLY bad and is into some NASTY play.
-Not that this should shock anyone… ever TRY to watch “Charmed”? Alyssa may have a tight little bod (even though that face is starting to show the effects of one too many dongs slapping it) but the girl may possibly be the single worst actor NOT named “McMahon” in the business.
I’d still do her tho’… Christ, I’d do any of the people I listed up top… INCLUDING Affleck AND Peterson (did I mention that he RULES THE WORLD???
In a related note, a very handsome gay guy has been hitting on me in the building I watch over the weekends. I find it very flattering… (and maybe a little curious, fuck off homophobe!!)
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
I’ll try to do these weekly… but, you know, YOUR participation would be helpful… just as long as you don’t pull stuff you saw on Smackdown last week… (newsflash, Michael Cole and Tax aren’t as great as some of you clowns seem to think).
*note: some of these may be wholly imagined.
Kirk Angel, you want to talk about apologizes I have a couple of apologizes myself. First of all I want to apologize to all of the Jerichoholics for having to listen to another one of your boring, long-winded speeches. Secondly I want to apologize to Stephanie McMahon Helmsley, actually I don't want to apologize to her. But she is a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom feeding trash bag ho. And lastly I want to apologize to HHH for putting him through a table last week on Smackdown. To be honest I really really enjoyed it and I hope you've picked the splinters out of your ass jerky because I can't wait to do it again!- Chris Jericho
Even though, I suplexed an 82 year old pregnant woman, I am still a role model for children not to mention elderly people.- Kurt Angle
Do whatever you want to me, King Hyatte. Anything you want.- Trish Stratus, bent over a couch, in my house last week.
And this one is from the Midnight News Archives that I liked so much I thought we ALL could relive it!
Buchanon is so damn big. He weighed in today at about 3 and a quarter. It’s all muscle! - Ross
What size is his head?- Lawler
I don’t know. I didn’t get into that - Ross
(silence as Ross possibly gives Lawler a little ear full off mic)
You think it’s funny that I prepare for a broadcast? - Ross
I just... ha ha... can’t imagine.. - Lawler
What did YOU this afternoon? Go to a MALL? - Ross
Eight and three quarters...heh... eight and three inches head... WHO CARES?
- Lawler
Well, YOU call yourself a King. That’s what I’m saying, WHO CARES? - Ross
(Ross was clearly in a huff as Lawler tried to change topics)
Speaking of heads, what do you think is going through Vince’s head right now? What do you think HE’s thinking about? - Lawler
Something evil. Something sinister..- Ross
Why do you keep... - Lawler
Something to make the Rock and the Undertaker’s life a living HELL .- Ross
Why are you so NEGATIVE? What has Vince done to YOU? - Lawler
Fired me twice. Anything else you want to go into? - Ross
Remember when he invested everyone’s pension plans at the racetracks? - Lawler
WHAT? - Ross
Those were the days…
I’M GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CAN’T… CAN’T… LINE??
You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.)
I just saw this again the other day, to get the bad taste the third installment left in my mouth:
You were gonna kill them!!
Of course, I am a Terminator- Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Not to say T3 was a HORRIBLE movie… but watch it against Cameron’s second installment… notice how smoothly James bangs out the action sequences yet still leaves lots of room for the quiet moments.
Now this one is from one of my favorite movies of all time, which says a lot since it’s also one of the most poorly edited movies of all time.
Hey. Hi. You should see the White House, they'll be cleaning it for months.
Lex Luthor.
You promised me the son of Jor-El
Oh but Your Eminence-- what I've given you is the next best thing. You just hold on to that little lady and, er he'll be along. You see they have this relationship and she does all his Public Relations and he gives her every exclusive. They're the best of friends. (cackles) You know what I mean.
What an undemanding male this Superman must be.
Yeah and you could use a tuck here and there yourself, sister
(Female baddie moves in to kick some mouthy ass)
Wait! She lives for now. Kill the rest. (Motions to Luthor) Starting with him
Wait - Hey wait. Hey, but remember the White House, the Oval Office - We had a few laughs, right.
(Outside, newspapers ripple… people look up… that cool music… flash of red & blue… he lands on a flagpole)
General! Would you care to step outside?
Superman!!
Superman… thank God
(Everyone stares at Luthor)
I mean… GET HIM!!
COME TO ME, SUPERMAN!! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!
And then one of the best damn fights the movies ever had!- Superman II
Yeah, that’s Gene Hackman, bitch. Gene fucking Hackman.
Of course, both Zod AND Luthor eventually had the last laugh as poor Superman fell off a horse and became a quadriplegic who can only bend his legs a little in the water…. Damn you, Terence Stamp… damn you and you’re snotty British accent.
JASON POWELL: STUDMONKEY
One thing about me, I am pretty much authentic. I never lie to you guys just for the sake of getting myself over. I may exaggerate my short comings AND my arrogance… and I may over-elaborate certain things about myself… but I never lay a claim or say something that is 100% bullshit from who I really am. I give you me… warts and all.
So, one of the things I LOVE to do is BUST IWC writers for being lying, phony creeps! I am sure ALL of them are!! Fucking… fags… but it’s great when I get my hands on some EVIDENCE
As you can tell from the title, this time it ain’t Scherer or Scooter who gets exposed. It’s the Torch’s Jason Powell.
First, feel free to venture over to the Torch and see his picture on top of his columns… first we have Pat McNeil all fat and geeky and smiling with a Hawaiian shirt on (no wonder his Mom died), then we have Bruce Mitchell with his 80’s mullet, his thick glasses and his serial killer stare, and we have Wade Keller’s… well, actually Wade looks pretty normal other than looking like he has AIDS… and now we have Jason Powell… bald, with at least two chins, and red bags under his eyes… looking like he just spend the night leading the Mambo line at the all-night Village People Appreciation party at some club named “Tramps”.
Christ, what IS it with these people and pictures? Now you know why I stay OFF camera.
Anyway… maybe it was the photo… maybe Jason saw himself and thought: “Well hell, since I look like some ultra-cool studly tough guy who stays up all night doing blow, I might as well act the part”… maybe that’s why he wrote THIS in his most recent Raw Hitlist:
(Brian) Gewirtz also likes to borrow storylines from his comic book collection, as readers have reported that the story of Kane believing that his face is burned is very similar to a recent comic book offering. Does this guy have any original ideas to offer? Gewirtz may have a place on the WWE writing team, but it's as a contributor. Simply put, he is not lead writer material.
Now what’s the big deal? Well, the “recent comic book offering” he is referring to is the rumor that Brian Gerwitz created the new Kane storyline from the origin of Marvel’s Doctor Doom… (which is complete bullshit to anyone who knows the character)… an origin that has been around for 40 years… HARDLY “recent” as Jason sniffed.
Have I lost you yet? Well hang on… here it comes. I said Jason “sniffed”… like he only has a VAGUE knowledge of comic book history… I am not grasping at straws here, you can see it yourself in that paragraph… Gewirtz also likes to borrow storylines from his comic book collection, as readers have reported that the story of Kane believing that his face is burned is very similar to a recent comic book offering.
As READERS HAVE REPORTED… Jason wouldn’t know… comic books are for GEEKS… not stud-master homeboys like HIM!!
Okay… great.
One of the most prolific, most famous COMIC BOOK writers alive is Peter David… if you know him, great. If not, well, I’m not going to get into his whole resume, just know that he has been writing comics for years, was one of THE most influential writers of the 90’s… and is a certified geekboy who also writes Star Trek novels, fantasy novels, script treatments, and just about anything else that most “cool” people would groan at… plus he’s fat, bald, and in his 40’s…
He did, however, pretty much defined the Hulk for today’s audience after a staggering 12 years on the comic.
Put it this way: David currently writes the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic.
So, given all that information… it would seem pretty far-fetched that a grand master PLAYA like Jason Powell, one who OBVIOUSLY couldn’t tell the difference between Captain America and Captain Carrot would even KNOW that someone named Peter David exists, right?
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!
Recently, on his blog site, Peter David allowed people to post questions that he would answer. A whole lot of people took advantage of the offer, including THIS GUY, someone who seemed to KNOW QUITE A BIT ABOUT THE COMIC BOOK BUSINESS:
Oh, what a neat idea! Here's mine. It is about your Hulk run:
I once heard that you ask every artist you're about to start working with, what sort of stuff they like to draw. I heard that on Hulk, when you asked Todd McFarlane, he said he wanted to draw lots of sci-fi settings (hence, the SHIELD van and the Leader's headquarters, and the overall sci-fi feel of those issues). Jeff Purves said he wanted to draw Iron Man, hence the crossover. Gary Frank wanted to draw anything but buildings -- hence the trips to space, Asgard and South American jungles. Liam Sharpe said he also wanted to draw anything but buildings, and you said, "Well, tough," because after the exotic locales of the Frank run, you needed to have some more down-to-earth stories. And that Dale Keown was the best, because when you asked him what he wanted to draw in the Hulk, he just said, "The Hulk!"
Okay, that was a really long-winded set-up. Basically, I was wondering, do I have the above all correct, or am I misinformed?
And I've also always been curious as to what was Angel Medina's answer to the question before his Hulk run? What about Deodato? And Adam Kubert?
Thanks!
Posted by Jason Powell @ 08/26/2003 05:03 PM ET
FUCKING COMIC GEEK LYING BALD FIST ACCEPTING HYPOCRITE!!!!!!
Oh sure… it may be some OTHER Jason Powell oh suuuuuuuure.
So, my question is, if he puts on a front about comics… how can ANYONE accept his opinions on RASSLIN’? How can you TRUST that he’s being real and NOT posing for credibility?
Answer: YOU CAN’T!!!
And for the record, I will never buy a comic again, but I DO go to bookstores and read the trade paperbacks… and for an EXCELLENT trade go pick up Grant Morrison’s first, hardcover “New X-Men” book. It’s a brilliant piece of literature.
Hypocrites… scammers… fronters… you all suck. I’ll expose you ALL… one at a time.
Here’s Peter David’s blog page. See for yourself.
Didn’t I mention Scherer’s name in this piece? Oh yeah… well then, since I brought the name up…
SCHERER AND SCHERER ALIKE
Over the years I have learned to stop taking Dave Scherer so seriously. I just pegged him as another “I need Meltzer-ish respect, dammit!” reporter who tries way too hard to get himself over- like the rest of these mutts (and me, if I’m being fair)
But Dave has been in RARE pissy smark mode lately… and has really gone nuts with the editorializing. He’s now gotten worse than Ryder in his prime (probably just picking up the slack, seeing how Bob is too busy trying to keep the NWATNA running to do web stuff).
Here, case in point… last week HHH dropped a shot at Smackdown with their “paper champion”… well, Dave went NUTS
After months of no "animosity between the brands", HHH suddenly felt the need to take a shot at the Smackdown brand in general, and Kurt Angle in particular, by calling him a "paper champion". I wanted to vomit, especially considering how HHH got and keeps his title.
Well Jesus Christ. First of all, it’s FUN to see shots being fired… maybe the WWE is upping the competitive aspect of the brands will make viewing each show a LITTLE bit more exciting?
Second of all… I’m getting a little fucking tired of ALL these fat ass douchebags who are doing their best to make people FORGET just how long HHH has been doing this job and how hard he works to make every match he’s in a good one, regardless of who ends up winning.
Third… how is it that an idiot like me could see that HHH was REALLY referring to the NWA promotion without actually naming it and an insider top dog expert like him CAN’T??
Fourth… if something as trivial as THAT really makes you want to vomit… then you are a loser. End of story, case closed.
So, since Dave is on such a roll and is acting like SUCH a smark (the man is 40, PEOPLE!!) I thought I’d goof on him by taking his (never) Rhetorical and (the opposite of) Unanswerable Questions and answer them, because when a web writer becomes as INSUFFERABLE as the show itself, it’s time for Hyatte to step in and slap him around some.
Besides, you people love it.
Rhetorical and Unanswered Questions:
Shouldn't Goldberg join Hurricane and Rosey as a superhero if he can go from almost dead last night to pretty healthy tonight?
No, because it’s sports entertainment and most people don’t mind such MINOR stretches of believability
When HHH asked "what about this scene don't you get" to Goldberg, did one answer quickly pop into your head?
Actually, two questions popped into mine, “Why is HHH using 70’s lingo” and “Why is Scherer such a moron.”
And, when HHH said that he beat "the top five guys in this industry" last night, did anyone else just feel like screaming?
No Dave, I sincerely doubt anyone gets as worked up over this nonsense as you do. I further believe that MOST people would feel like imbeciles if they were caught screaming at HHH on camera.
When H asked Goldberg what makes him think he's different than the other guys, wouldn't it be great if he said, "Well Trips, unlike any of them, I am putting the schtup to Steph!"?
No, but it would be great if you quit using “clean” words because you’re afraid of offending someone and respect the intelligence and tolerance of your audience.
Will Goldberg use what creative control he has to actually LOSE at Unforgiven, just to get away from the mess that is Raw?
No, because Goldberg has shown to care about getting PAID and that’s it. Only web guys worry about which brand a wrestler is
Why doesn't Lawler get the fact that NO ONE CARES what happened with Eric and Linda?
I think Lawler gets the fact that he gets PAID to discuss angles, lame and not lame. It’s called his JOB.
OK, so we are supposed to believe that Teddy Long was in serious negotiations for new talent and the best he could come up with was Mark Henry?
Yes we are.
When JR said, about Mark Henry, "He's got to be 400 pounds if he's an ounce!", was I the only one thinking, "You know exactly how much he weighs JR!"?
Yes you were. Mark Henry is a professional strong man, so monitoring his weight is probably pretty important to him, so it is completely understandable that JR would know his weight.
Have you noticed that Jessie from "Tough Enough" has gotten more TV time recently than the winners of the last TE show?
No I haven’t, which is why TE is gone
Instead of wondering what happened with Coach, why didn't they just bring him on the show and ask him?
Because they have a two hour show to do EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WEEK OF THE YEAR WITHOUT A BREAK. So forgive them for filling time every so goddam often, Toupee Boy!!
Did you know that Coach winning "Employee of the Month" ended Triple H's run at 37 straight?
No Dave, tell us more.
Isn't there a philosophical problem with a company that tries to go "new era" with a sexual assault angle one week, and then does a very old school US baiting angle the next?
No Dave, show off that High School education and explain to us what Plato would think.
Was I the only one who popped when JR said, "It's breaking down"?
Safe bet says yes
And, wasn't it then quickly clear that we aren't in the UWF any more, Dorothy?
No. And good job alienating 75% of your audience with that dated reference
Wasn't Linda shooting when she said Vince needs "psychological help"?
Not sure, but I’m NOT shooting when I say that you just might need it.
Was Stephanie throwing a hissy fit in the back when she was the only one of the Mac-son Five to not appear on Raw?
You tell us, Mr. Insider. But I’m sure Stephanie is quite happy having Smackdown mostly to herself
If the Highlight Reel was for invited guests only, why didn't Jericho toss Vince when he came down?
Because Vince owns the show, maybe?
Was it a Freudian slip from JR when he said, "This show's gone to hell"?
No, it was a man doing his best to sell a show. Again, it’s his JOB.
Was JR right on the money when he said, "Let's get back to calling a wrestling match" to Coach?
Is that even a question? Rhetorical or otherwise?
How funny was Coach in saying that he filled in seamlessly while JR was gone?
Pretty funny.
Doesn't Kane realize that if he just filled one of the gas cans, he wouldn't need 8 of them?
Apparently not. Have much experience with setting fires, Dave? Do tell.
Wasn't the end of the show symbolic given that it was pretty much a steaming pile of....?
No. But again, is it too much to ask you web people to stop censoring “naughty” words like “shit” and pretend, just for a fucking second, that the audience may be able to HANDLE SUCH PROFANITY??? (the Torch kids are guilty of this also… I’m not sure if Meltzer is because I pay attention to him about as much as he pays attention to me)
Dave Scherer… doing so little with so little
THE PWI 300 (+ 200 MADE UP NAMES)
Ahhh it must be Autumn, which can only mean 1 thing…
The PWI Family reminds the world that the Net hasn’t totally chased them out of business by putting out their annual 500 rassler list.
Of course, the top guys are both obvious, and well discussed by lesser writers, so here are 485-500… many whom I KNOW PWI just made up on the spot. Amusing notes follow each name.
485. J.T. Lightning: (isn’t that a popular adult beverage favored by rappers?)
486. Luis Ortiz: (first name rhyming with the second is a DEAD givaway)
487. Spyder: (Didn’t Joe Pesci shoot this guy in “Goodfellas”?)
488. Gutter: (Which is where all of my old PWI’s ended up after I hit 16)
489. Hoss: (Dan BLOCKER??? SONAFABITCH!! I THOUGHT HE DIED?)
490. Hallowicked: (for 364 days a year he is completely irrelevant… only one night a year he gets to shine)
491. Paul Atlas: (Homo)
492. Bruiser Graham: (what wrestler names himself “Bruiser” anymore?)
493. Don Basher: (Don Basher? Didn’t he use to run the smarks.com?)
494. C.B. Cane: (“Breaker, Breaker 1-9, I do what I want and if you make fun of me I’ll BURN YOU ALIVE!!!” “Roger that, good buddy, beware of a smokey in a brown paper bag, 10-4, over and out”)
495. Flat Face Jeremy: (Ironically, my name was “Flat Ass Chris” for YEARS before I discovered ButtMaster)
496. David Isley: (I have no comment here… I could do a reference to “It’s Your Thing” but it would be lame)
497. Salvatore Thomaselli: (Call me crazy but…. I bet he eats a lot of unpronounceable pasta dishes)
498. Uncle Ernie: (so that’s where that molesting bastard went to? I WANT MY INNOCENCE BACK, YOU COCKSUCKER!!!)
499. Darin Childs: (another faggot)
500. Billy K: (There will never be a world champion named “Billy” OR with a single letter for a last name, so he’s fucked in BOTH directions)
Next week I’ll list the top 10 PWI bullshit stories from yesteryear… and I’ll make it the top 25 if YOU old schoolers send in examples.
Have I done enough for this week? Oh sheeit yeah.
RIP Chuck Bronson… after years of handing out some righteous ass whuppin’ to those no good dirty afro-wearing PUNKS, you finally… finally.. aw screw it, you weren’t that good an actor and no one really needed Death Wish 10: Chuck Goes To Mars To Hand Down Some Street Justice… no, we really didn’t need THAT one. Plus, would it have killed him to SMILE at least one time?
This is Hyatte